LADY TEAZLE.Why--I believe I do bear a Part with a tolerable Grace--But I vow I bear no malice against the People I abuse, when I say an ill-natured thing, 'tis out of pure Good Humour--and I take it for granted they deal exactly in the same manner with me, but Sir Peter you know you promised to come to Lady Sneerwell's too.
SIR PETER.Well well I'll call in, just to look after my own character.
LADY TEAZLE.Then, indeed, you must make Haste after me, or you'll be too late--so good bye to ye.
SIR PETER.So--I have gain'd much by my intended expostulation--yet with what a charming air she contradicts every thing I say--and how pleasingly she shows her contempt of my authority--Well tho' I can't make her love me, there is certainly a great satisfaction in quarrelling with her; and I think she never appears to such advantage as when she is doing everything in her Power to plague me.
[Exit.]
SCENE II.--At LADY SNEERWELL'S
LADY SNEERWELL, MRS.CANDOUR, CRABTREE, SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE, and SURFACELADY SNEERWELL.Nay, positively, we will hear it.
SURFACE.Yes--yes the Epigram by all means.
SiR BENJAMIN.O plague on't unkle--'tis mere nonsense--CRABTREE.No no; 'fore gad very clever for an extempore!
SIR BENJAMIN.But ladies you should be acquainted with the circumstances.You must know that one day last week as Lady Betty Curricle was taking the Dust in High Park, in a sort of duodecimo Phaeton--she desired me to write some verses on her Ponies--upon which I took out my Pocket-Book--and in one moment produced--the following:--'Sure never were seen two such beautiful Ponies;Other Horses are Clowns--and these macaronies, Nay to give 'em this Title, I'm sure isn't wrong, Their Legs are so slim--and their Tails are so long.
CRABTREE.There Ladies--done in the smack of a whip and on Horseback too.
SURFACE.A very Phoebus, mounted--indeed Sir Benjamin.
SIR BENJAMIN.Oh dear Sir--Trifles--Trifles.
Enter LADY TEAZLE and MARIA
MRS.CANDOUR.I must have a Copy--
LADY SNEERWELL.Lady Teazle--I hope we shall see Sir Peter?
LADY TEAZLE.I believe He'll wait on your Ladyship presently.
LADY SNEERWELL.Maria my love you look grave.Come, you sit down to Piquet with Mr.Surface.
MARIA.I take very little Pleasure in cards--however, I'll do as you Please.
LADY TEAZLE.I am surprised Mr.Surface should sit down her--I thought He would have embraced this opportunity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came--[Aside.]
MRS.CANDOUR.Now, I'll die but you are so scandalous I'll forswear your society.
LADY TEAZLE.What's the matter, Mrs.Candour?
MRS.CANDOUR.They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermillion to be handsome.
LADY SNEERWELL.Oh, surely she is a pretty woman....
[CRABTREE.] I am very glad you think so ma'am.
MRS.CANDOUR.She has a charming fresh Colour.
CRABTREE.Yes when it is fresh put on--
LADY TEAZLE.O fie! I'll swear her colour is natural--I have seen it come and go--CRABTREE.I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes of a Night, and comes again in the morning.
SIR BENJAMIN.True, uncle, it not only comes and goes but what's more egad her maid can fetch and carry it--MRS.CANDOUR.Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her Sister, is or was very handsome.
CRABTREE.Who? Mrs.Stucco? O lud! she's six-and-fifty if she's an hour!
MRS.CANDOUR.Now positively you wrong her[;] fifty-two, or fifty-three is the utmost--and I don't think she looks more.
SIR BENJAMIN.Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless one was to see her Face.
LADY SNEERWELL.Well--well--if she does take some pains to repair the ravages of Time--you must allow she effects it with great ingenuity--and surely that's better than the careless manner in which the widow Ocre chaulks her wrinkles.
SIR BENJAMIN.Nay now--you are severe upon the widow--come--come, it isn't that she paints so ill--but when she has finished her Face she joins it on so badly to her Neck, that she looks like a mended Statue, in which the Connoisseur sees at once that the Head's modern tho' the Trunk's antique----CRABTREE.Ha! ha! ha! well said, Nephew!
MRS.CANDOUR.Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh but I vow I hate you for it--what do you think of Miss Simper?
SIR BENJAMIN.Why, she has very pretty Teeth.
LADY TEAZLE.Yes and on that account, when she is neither speaking nor laughing (which very seldom happens)--she never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always on a-Jar, as it were----MRS.CANDOUR.How can you be so ill-natured!
LADY TEAZLE.Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs.Prim takes to conceal her losses in Front--she draws her mouth till it resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to slide out edgewise.
LADY SNEERWELL.Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe.
LADY TEAZLE.In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER.Ladies, your obedient--Mercy on me--here is the whole set!
a character's dead at every word, I suppose.
MRS.CANDOUR.I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter--they have been so censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
SIR PETER.That must be very distressing to you, Mrs.Candour I dare swear.
MRS.CANDOUR.O they will allow good Qualities to nobody--not even good nature to our Friend Mrs.Pursy.
LADY TEAZLE.What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs.Codrille's [Quadrille's] last Night?
LADY SNEERWELL.Nay--her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
MRS.CANDOUR.'Tis very true, indeed.
LADY TEAZLE.Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small whey--laces herself by pulleys and often in the hottest noon of summer you may see her on a little squat Pony, with her hair plaited up behind like a Drummer's and puffing round the Ring on a full trot.
MRS.CANDOUR.I thank you Lady Teazle for defending her.
SIR PETER.Yes, a good Defence, truly!
MRS.CANDOUR.But for Sir Benjamin, He is as censorious as Miss Sallow.