CRABTREE.Yes and she is a curious Being to pretend to be censorious--an awkward Gawky, without any one good Point under Heaven!
LADY SNEERWELL.Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a Relation of mine by marriage, and, as for her Person great allowance is to be made--for, let me tell you a woman labours under many disadvantages who tries to pass for a girl at six-and-thirty.
MRS.CANDOUR.Tho', surely she is handsome still--and for the weakness in her eyes considering how much she reads by candle-light it is not to be wonder'd at.
LADY SNEERWELL.True and then as to her manner--upon my word I think it is particularly graceful considering she never had the least Education[:] for you know her Mother was a Welch milliner, and her Father a sugar-Baker at Bristow.--SIR BENJAMIN.Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
SIR PETER.Yes, damned good-natured! Her own relation!
mercy on me! [Aside.]
MRS.CANDOUR.For my Part I own I cannot bear to hear a friend ill-spoken of?
SIR PETER.No, to be sure!
SIR BENJAMIN.Ah you are of a moral turn Mrs.Candour and can sit for an hour to hear Lady Stucco talk sentiments.
LADY SNEERWELL.Nay I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the Dessert after Dinner for she's just like the Spanish Fruit one cracks for mottoes--made up of Paint and Proverb.
MRS.CANDOUR.Well, I never will join in ridiculing a Friend--and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle--and you all know what pretensions she has to be critical in Beauty.
LADY TEAZLE.O to be sure she has herself the oddest countenance that ever was seen--'tis a collection of Features from all the different Countries of the globe.
SIR BENJAMIN.So she has indeed--an Irish Front----CRABTREE.Caledonian Locks----
SIR BENJAMIN.Dutch Nose----
CRABTREE.Austrian Lips----
SIR BENJAMIN.Complexion of a Spaniard----CRABTREE.And Teeth a la Chinoise----
SIR BENJAMIN.In short, her Face resembles a table d'hote at Spa--where no two guests are of a nation----
CRABTREE.Or a Congress at the close of a general War--wherein all the members even to her eyes appear to have a different interest and her Nose and Chin are the only Parties likely to join issue.
MRS.CANDOUR.Ha! ha! ha!
SIR PETER.Mercy on my Life[!] a Person they dine with twice a week!
[Aside.]
LADY SNEERWELL.Go--go--you are a couple of provoking Toads.
MRS.CANDOUR.Nay but I vow you shall not carry the Laugh off so--for give me leave to say, that Mrs.Ogle----SIR PETER.Madam--madam--I beg your Pardon--there's no stopping these good Gentlemen's Tongues--but when I tell you Mrs.Candour that the Lady they are abusing is a particular Friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her Part.
LADY SNEERWELL.Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter--but you are a cruel creature--too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow wit in others.
SIR PETER.Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied?]
to good Nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
LADY SNEERWELL.True Sir Peter--I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united.
SIR BENJAMIN.O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one seldom sees them together.
LADY TEAZLE.But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He would have it put down by Parliament.
SIR PETER.'Fore heaven! Madam, if they were to consider the Sporting with Reputation of as much importance as poaching on manors--and pass an Act for the Preservation of Fame--there are many would thank them for the Bill.
LADY SNEERWELL.O Lud! Sir Peter would you deprive us of our Privileges--SIR PETER.Aye Madam--and then no person should be permitted to kill characters or run down reputations, but qualified old Maids and disappointed Widows.--LADY SNEERWELL.Go, you monster--
MRS.CANDOUR.But sure you would not be quite so severe on those who only report what they hear?
SIR PETER.Yes Madam, I would have Law Merchant for that too--and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the Drawer of the Lie was not to be found, the injured Party should have a right to come on any of the indorsers.
CRABTREE.Well for my Part I believe there never was a Scandalous Tale without some foundation.<3>
LADY SNEERWELL.Come Ladies shall we sit down to Cards in the next Room?
Enter SERVANT, whispers SIR PETER
SIR PETER.I'll be with them directly.--[Exit SERVANT.]
I'll get away unperceived.
LADY SNEERWELL.Sir Peter you are not leaving us?
SIR PETER.Your Ladyship must excuse me--I'm called away by particular Business--but I leave my Character behind me--[Exit.]
SIR BENJAMIN.Well certainly Lady Teazle that lord of yours is a strange being--I could tell you some stories of him would make you laugh heartily if He wern't your Husband.
LADY TEAZLE.O pray don't mind that--come do let's hear 'em.
[join the rest of the Company going into the Next Room.]
SURFACE.Maria I see you have no satisfaction in this society.
MARIA.How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never injured us be the province of wit or Humour, Heaven grant me a double Portion of Dullness--SURFACE.Yet they appear more ill-natured than they are--they have no malice at heart--MARIA.Then is their conduct still more contemptible[;] for in my opinion--nothing could excuse the intemperance of their tongues but a natural and ungovernable bitterness of Mind.
SURFACE.Undoubtedly Madam--and it has always been a sentiment of mine--that to propagate a malicious Truth wantonly--is more despicable than to falsify from Revenge, but can you Maria feel thus [f]or others and be unkind to me alone--nay is hope to be denied the tenderest Passion.--MARIA.Why will you distress me by renewing this subject--SURFACE.Ah! Maria! you would not treat me thus and oppose your guardian's Sir Peter's wishes--but that I see that my Profligate Brother is still a favour'd Rival.