I saw that my own feelings had prepared my sufferings, and that my want of fortitude under them had almost led me to the grave.My illness, I well knew, had been entirely brought on by myself by such negligence of my own health, as I had felt even at the time to be wrong.
Had I died,--it would have been self-destruction.Idid not know my danger till the danger was removed;but with such feelings as these reflections gave me, I wonder at my recovery,--wonder that the very eagerness of my desire to live, to have time for atonement to my God, and to you all, did not kill me at once.Had I died,--in what peculiar misery should I have left you, my nurse, my friend, my sister!--You, who had seen all the fretful selfishness of my latter days; who had known all the murmurings of my heart!--How should I have lived in YOURremembrance!--My mother too! How could you have consoled her!--I cannot express my own abhorrence of myself.
Whenever I looked towards the past, I saw some duty neglected, or some failing indulged.Every body seemed injured by me.
The kindness, the unceasing kindness of Mrs.Jennings, I had repaid with ungrateful contempt.To the Middletons, to the Palmers, the Steeles, to every common acquaintance even, I had been insolent and unjust; with a heart hardened against their merits, and a temper irritated by their very attention.--To John, to Fanny,--yes, even to them, little as they deserve, I had given less than their due.
But you,--you above all, above my mother, had been wronged by me.I, and only I, knew your heart and its sorrows;yet to what did it influence me?--not to any compassion that could benefit you or myself.--Your example was before me; but to what avail?--Was I more considerate of you and your comfort? Did I imitate your forbearance, or lessen your restraints, by taking any part in those offices of general complaisance or particular gratitude which you had hitherto been left to discharge alone?--No;--not less when I knew you to be unhappy, than when Ihad believed you at ease, did I turn away from every exertion of duty or friendship; scarcely allowing sorrow to exist but with me, regretting only THAT heart which had deserted and wronged me, and leaving you, for or Iprofessed an unbounded affection, to be miserable for my sake."Here ceased the rapid flow of her self-reproving spirit;and Elinor, impatient to soothe, though too honest to flatter, gave her instantly that praise and support which her frankness and her contrition so well deserved.
Marianne pressed her hand and replied, "You are very good.--The future must be my proof.
I have laid down my plan, and if I am capable of adhering to it--my feelings shall be governed and my temper improved.
They shall no longer worry others, nor torture myself.
I shall now live solely for my family.You, my mother, and Margaret, must henceforth be all the world to me;you will share my affections entirely between you.
>From you, from my home, I shall never again have the smallest incitement to move; and if I do mix in other society, it will be only to shew that my spirit is humbled, my heart amended, and that I can practise the civilities, the lesser duties of life, with gentleness and forbearance.
As for Willoughby--to say that I shall soon or that I shall ever forget him, would be idle.His remembrance can be overcome by no change of circumstances or opinions.But it shall be regulated, it shall be checked by religion, by reason, by constant employment."She paused--and added in a low voice, "If Icould but know HIS heart, everything would become easy."Elinor, who had now been for some time reflecting on the propriety or impropriety of speedily hazarding her narration, without feeling at all nearer decision than at first, heard this; and perceiving that as reflection did nothing, resolution must do all, soon found herself leading to the fact.
She managed the recital, as she hoped, with address;prepared her anxious listener with caution; related simply and honestly the chief points on which Willoughby grounded his apology; did justice to his repentance, and softened only his protestations of present regard.
Marianne said not a word.--She trembled, her eyes were fixed on the ground, and her lips became whiter than even sickness had left them.A thousand inquiries sprung up from her heart, but she dared not urge one.
She caught every syllable with panting eagerness; her hand, unknowingly to herself, closely pressed her sister's, and tears covered her cheeks.
Elinor, dreading her being tired, led her towards home;and till they reached the door of the cottage, easily conjecturing what her curiosity must be though no question was suffered to speak it, talked of nothing but Willoughby, and their conversation together;and was carefully minute in every particular of speech and look, where minuteness could be safely indulged.
As soon as they entered the house, Marianne with a kiss of gratitude and these two words just articulate through her tears, "Tell mama," withdrew from her sister and walked slowly up stairs.Elinor would not attempt to disturb a solitude so reasonable as what she now sought;and with a mind anxiously pre-arranging its result, and a resolution of reviving the subject again, should Marianne fail to do it, she turned into the parlour to fulfill her parting injunction.