IV -NURSES
I KNEW one once,and the room where,lonely and old,she waited for death.It was pleasant enough,high up above the lane,and looking forth upon a hill-side,covered all day with sheets and yellow blankets,and with long lines of underclothing fluttering between the battered posts.There were any number of cheap prints,and a drawing by one of 'her children,'and there were flowers in the window,and a sickly canary withered into consumption in an ornamental cage.The bed,with its checked coverlid,was in a closet.A great Bible lay on the table;and her drawers were full of 'scones,'which it was her pleasure to give to young visitors such as I was then.
You may not think this a melancholy picture;but the canary,and the cat,and the white mouse that she had for a while,and that died,were all indications of the want that ate into her heart.I think I know a little of what that old woman felt;and I am as sure as if I had seen her,that she sat many an hour in silent tears,with the big Bible open before her clouded eyes.
If you could look back upon her life,and feel the great chain that had linked her to one child after another,sometimes to be wrenched suddenly through,and sometimes,which is infinitely worse,to be torn gradually off through years of growing neglect,or perhaps growing dislike!She had,like the mother,overcome that natural repugnance -repugnance which no man can conquer -towards the infirm and helpless mass of putty of the earlier stage.She had spent her best and happiest years in tending,watching,and learning to love like a mother this child,with which she has no connection and to which she has no tie.Perhaps she refused some sweetheart (such things have been),or put him off and off,until he lost heart and turned to some one else,all for fear of leaving this creature that had wound itself about her heart.And the end of it all -her month's warning,and a present perhaps,and the rest of the life to vain regret.Or,worse still,to see the child gradually forgetting and forsaking her,fostered in disrespect and neglect on the plea of growing manliness,and at last beginning to treat her as a servant whom he had treated a few years before as a mother.She sees the Bible or the Psalm-book,which with gladness and love unutterable in her heart she had bought for him years ago out of her slender savings,neglected for some newer gift of his father,lying in dust in the lumber-room or given away to a poor child,and the act applauded for its unfeeling charity.Little wonder if she becomes hurt and angry,and attempts to tyrannise and to grasp her old power back again.We are not all patient Grizzels,by good fortune,but the most of us human beings with feelings and tempers of our own.
And so,in the end,behold her in the room that I described.
Very likely and very naturally,in some fling of feverish misery or recoil of thwarted love,she has quarrelled with her old employers and the children are forbidden to see her or to speak to her;or at best she gets her rent paid and a little to herself,and now and then her late charges are sent up (with another nurse,perhaps)to pay her a short visit.
How bright these visits seem as she looks forward to them on her lonely bed!How unsatisfactory their realisation,when the forgetful child,half wondering,checks with every word and action the outpouring of her maternal love!How bitter and restless the memories that they leave behind!And for the rest,what else has she?-to watch them with eager eyes as they go to school,to sit in church where she can see them every Sunday,to be passed some day unnoticed in the street,or deliberately cut because the great man or the great woman are with friends before whom they are ashamed to recognise the old woman that loved them.