Douglas Jerrold （b. 1803,d. 1857） was born in London. A midshipman's appointment was obtained for him,but he quit the naval service in a few years. He was then apprenticed ta printer. By improving his leisure hours he made himself master of several languages,and formed the habit of expressing his thoughts in writing An essay on the opera of Der Freischutz was his first published literary production. Before he was twenty-one years of age,he wrote "Black-eyed Susan," one of the most popular dramas of modern times. Several other popular plays followed this. He was a regular contributor tthe London "Punch," from the second number,and edited,at different times,several papers and magazines. As a humorist,he occupies the first rank. The most noted of his works are his plays,and "Mrs Caudle's Curtain Lectures," "Saint Giles and Saint James," "Bubbles of a Day," and "Chronicles of Clovernook."
1.Well,Mr. Caudle,I hope you're in a little better temper than you were this morning. There,you need n't begin twhistle: people don't come tbed twhistle. But it's like you;I can't speak that you don't try tinsult me. Once,I used tsay you were the best creature living: now,you get quite a fiend. Dlet you rest? No,I won't let you rest. It's the only time I have ttalk tyou,and you shall hear me. I'm put upon all day long: it's very hard if I can't speak a word at night;besides,it is n't often I open my mouth,goodness knows!
2.Because once in your lifetime your shirt wanted a button,you must almost swear the roof off the house. You did n't swear? Ha,Mr. Caudle! you don't know what you dwhen you're in a passion. You were not in a passion,wer'n't you? Well,then,I don't know what a passion is;and I think I ought by this time. I've lived long enough withyou,Mr. Caudle,tknow that.
3.It's a pity you hav'n't something worse tcomplain of than a button off your shirt. If you'd some wives,you would,I know. I'm sure I'm never without a needle and thread in my hand;what with you and the children,I'm made a perfect slave of. And what's my thanks? Why,if once in your life a button's off your shirt-what dyou cry "oh" at? I say once,Mr. Caudle;or twice,or three times,at most. I'm sure,Caudle,nman's buttons in the world are better looked after than yours. I only wish I'd kept the shirts you had when you were first married! I should like tknow where were your buttons then?
4.Yes,it is worth talking of ! But that's how you always try tput me down. You fly inta rage,and then if I only try tspeak,you won't hear me. That's how you men always will have all the talk tyourselves: a poor woman is n't allowed tget a word in. A nice notion you have of a wife,tsuppose she's nothing tthink of but her husband's buttons. A pretty notion,indeed,you have of marriage. Ha! if poor women only knew what they had tgthrough!-what with buttons,and one thing and another,-they'd never tie themselves up,-no,not tthe best man in the world,I'm sure. What would they do,Mr. Caudle?-Why,dmuch better without you,I'm certain.
5.And it's my belief,after all,that the button was n't off the shirt;it's my belief that you pulled it off that you might have something ttalk about. Oh,you're aggravating1 enough,when you like,for anything! All I know is,it's very odd that the button should be off the shirt;for I'm sure nwoman's a greater slave ther husband's buttons than I am. I only say it's very odd.
6.However,there's one comfort;it can't last long. I'm worn tdeath with your temper,and sha'n't trouble you a great while. Ha! you may laugh! And I dare say you would laugh! I've ndoubt of it!1Aggravating,provoking,irritating.
That's your love;that's your feeling! I know that I'm sinking1 every day,though I say nothing about it. And when I'm gone we shall see how your second wife will look after your buttons! You'll find out the difference then. Yes,Caudle,you'll think of me then;for then,I hope,you'll never have a blessed button tyour back.
7.No,I'm not a vindictive2woman,Mr. Caudle: nobody evercalled me that but you. What dyou say? Nobody ever knew smuch of me? That's nothing at all tdwith it. Ha! I would n't have your aggravating temper,Caudle,for mines of gold. It's a good thing I'm not as worrying as you are,or a nice house there'd be between us. I only wish you'd had a wife that would have talked tyou! Then you'd have known the difference. But you impose upon me because,like a poor fool,I say nothing. I should be ashamed of myself,Caudle.
8.And a pretty example you set as a father! You'll make your boys as bad as yourself. Talking as you did all breakfast time about your buttons! and of a Sunday morning,too! And you call yourself a Christian! I should like tknow what your boys will say of you when they grow up! And all about a paltry3 button off one of your wristbands! A decent man would n't have mentioned it. Why don't I hold my tongue? Because I won't hold my tongue. I'm thave my peace of mind destroyed-I 'm tbe worried intmy grave for a miserable shirt button,and I'm thold my tongue! Oh!but that's just like you men!
9.But I know what I'll dfor the future. Every button you have may drop off,and I won't smuch as put a thread t'em. And I should like tknow what you'll dthen! Oh,you must get somebody else tsew 'em,must you? That's a pretty threat for a husband thold out this wife! And tsuch a wife as I've been,too: such a slave tyour buttons,as I may say. Somebody else tsew 'em'! No,Caudle,1 Sinking,failing in strength. 2 Vindictive,revengeful.3 Paltry,mean,contemptible.no;not while I'm alive! When I'm dead-and,with what I have tbear,there's nknowing how soon that may be-when I 'm dead,I say-oh! what a brute you must be tsnore so!
10.You're not snoring? Ha! that's what you always say;but that's nothing tdwith it. You must get somebody else tsew 'em,must you? Ha! I should n't wonder. Oh,no! I should be surprised at nothing now! Nothing at all! It's what people have always told me it would come to;and now the buttons have opened my eyes! But the whole world shall know of your cruelty,Mr. Caudle. After the wife I've been tyou. Caudle,you've a heart like a hearthstone,you have!